The 12 Most Important Boundaries
The 12 Boundary Types
12 boundaries we all ‘ought’ to set for better living and loving.
Without realizing it, we are all in the position of navigating boundaries on a daily, maybe even hourly, basis. They help us live our best life, forge healthy relationships and foster a sense of identity. They help maintain self worth, live according to our values and prevent unnecessary hurt.
As humans, we tend to underestimate the importance of keeping our boundaries relatively balanced. When we are too rigid or too loose with our boundaries, we usually end up making our problems worse in the long run. Keeping strong, yet flexible boundaries allows us to bend without breaking.
Boundaries allow us to build stronger connections in our relationships because we can express our needs without fear.
We feel respected and we show respect.
Here are the 12 most important boundaries
1- Physical
Some people need more physical space than others. Most of us can read body language and can adjust how we will interact accordingly. The best way to make sure others are aware of your physical needs is to tell them. There are those, however, who have a hard time reading body language no matter how many times you explain it to them.
For those who know that they lack the awareness, try to train yourself to ask for directives like
“Are you comfortable when I touch you like that?”
You will always find those who will not follow directives when asked for more physical space. Those people need you to be more firm and strong in your boundaries. If they continue beyond the limits you set, you have every right to tell them what the consequences will be (make sure they are consequences that you will stick with). It’s not mean. Trust me.
2- Sexual
No matter what stage of life you are in, your body has sensations that excite and arouse you. Those same feelings can also trigger warning signs, especially for those who never had autonomy over their body as a child. Everyone reacts differently to intimate touch and sexual advancements and there is nobody who can tell you that your feelings are not valid. Your body is your temple. Even those who are in committed relationships or married have the right to their own personal space when they need it or want it.
Partners should try not to get offended when their sexual advances are not met with excitement. Someone with respectful and healthy boundaries will not take it as rejection, but an opportunity to foster intimacy in another way until the spark is ignited once again.
It is equally important that you feel safe in expressing your need for space or a time out even in in the middle of a sexual encounter. You have the right to stop when it doesn’t feel right to you. There is no reason to feel shame about it. If it is someone you love, it can be helpful and a very connective experience to communicate what’s happening for you and why you feel the need to pull away or shift something to feel comfortable. It can be sexy to say no!
3- Emotional
All of us experience emotions in different ways, have different triggers and different ways of handling those emotional experiences. Setting boundaries with others when you are in a highly charged emotional state might mean simply telling the other person to give you space or time.
Often when we are emotionally flooded we are not looking for answers, we are looking for validation and acceptance or just a loving body to hug us. The more we learn about our emotional needs the better we can communicate them.
Sometimes a well meaning person will say or do something that feels like salt in an open wound in our body. Communicating about your boundaries can help them learn to support you in the way you need.
4- Energetic
We live in a world with lots of unknowns and it can be confusing when our body reacts to something that is seemingly benign or out of the blue.
Energetic boundaries allow us to interact with people who are more intense and overbearing without internalizing their heavy energy. This can be a more difficult concept to understand if you were blessed (and at the same time cursed) with what many call “superpowers” of HSP, deeper intuition or empath. For the average person body language is just information like any other language, but for the empath it can feel like a lighting bolt that zaps the life out of you.
Those who have sensitive nervous systems like that should learn to be extra aware and vigilant about energetic boundaries. Without them, empaths tend to get emotionally and physically drained to the point of debilitation.
One can learn to live a deeply rich and fulfilling life with these superpowers if they invest regularly in strengthening their energetic boundaries.
5- Time
How do you spend your time?
Do you make time for the things that are important to you?
Are you a workaholic that ignores family obligations?
Are you obsessed with eating healthy and working out to the extent that relationships and work are neglected?
To live a balanced life, it’s important to make time for all of your priorities and set boundaries to make that happen.
If someone else demands too much of your time, you have the right to set strong boundaries with them, simply because there is only so much time in each day and you need to budget it responsibly. It can be hard to fit everything in. That’s why knowing your values is so important. It is the key to prioritizing and budgeting your time effectively .
Remember respecting and valuing time is also difficult for those who are not sensitive to it, this looks different for each individual and culture, be clear with your standards so that there isn’t confusion or disappointment.
6- Material
We all have personal belongings that are sacred and precious. The same way that we would not want others to take our things without permission or go through our diary or emails, we should not do that to others. Everybody, including (or especially) our children and partners deserve to have material items that we can make choices about whether or not we want to share or lend. It can feel very violating to have things taken away from us without consent.
We can also communicate our needs to others when we feel that our material possessions are not being handled with the care we require.
For example, if you lend a blazer to your sister who always forgets to separate whites and darks and dry cleaning, you can tell her that you are happy to lend her the blazer if she makes sure to take it to the dry cleaner and give it back to you within the week. This is not the first time she showed a lack of respect for your material boundaries so you include a consequence if she does not follow through. If you come over and see it curled up on the floor on top of her laundry pile a week after she promised to bring it back, you can kindly tell her that she can no longer borrow your clothes.
7- Financial
They don’t call it “balancing the books” for nothing. It’s important to learn how to navigate financial boundaries so that you can live a balanced lifestyle in whatever bracket you are in. Some people spend way too much money they don’t have while others are so frugal that they don’t enjoy life. Both extremes can be challenging to one’s mental health and their relationships.
Ideally financial boundaries would be established with your core values in mind. While some people might not understand the financial decisions you make, you (and your partner if you share financial responsibility) need to establish your own budget for the things you think are important. While there is so much shame and peer pressure to spend money in certain ways, your financial priorities cannot and should not be dictated by other people, nor should you impose your judgment on others.
8- Spiritual
We all have ways in which we try to be better people and for many of us that includes trying to reach greater heights spiritually. Some try to give money to charity, volunteer hours or give away our possessions to such an extent that they feel drained of financial or energetic resources. Yet, it’s also true that so many worthy causes are built on charity and giving of self. It can be a tricky balance. We need to be careful not to shame people into giving more than they can afford or giving more time than they have, even if our values dictate that the cause is important. We have no idea what else they are budgeting for.
Different religions have special boundaries set in their ethical mandates so that nobody gets taken advantage of, although there are always people who abuse their power and push limits beyond what is appropriate. If you believe you or a loved one is being spiritually abused, it may be time to reach out for help.
There is another common form of spiritual pressure (can even be an abuse of power) that impacts the way we tend to set our boundaries. Nobody should feel forced or shamed into thinking or practicing their religion in a certain way. Each individual has the right to connect with their higher power in their own way and at their own pace. Give them that space.
9- Intellectual
In today’s culture it can be really tough to navigate intellectual boundaries. Ideally, we should each be able to express our thoughts and opinions without being judged, ridiculed or canceled. People who set and respect intellectual boundaries will recognize that there is a time and a place for debating important topics.
They will respect the personal space of people who do not wish to argue at cocktail parties or on a whatsapp group devoted to a specific purpose. They will be ok with others not agreeing with them and might even be curious to learn about other opinions.
Cancel culture builds an intellectual wall.
Invasive debates at inopportune times with sensitive audiences is the opposite extreme. Intellectual boundaries allow us to set limits with others about how, when and where we will engage and with what topics.
10 -Digital
This is a more modern space in which boundary violations have become somewhat of an accepted norm. People share intellectual and visual property without accrediting the creator or following the standards set by the creator. Strangers are privy to personal and private details of people’s lives that they would otherwise not be privy to. People expect regular free content from professionals and get upset when they take breaks.
People message professionals and expect answers even though it is unethical to provide services over DM with strangers. People bash people publicly and start smear campaigns that go viral (and can’t be taken back) even though they only have a tiny glimpse of the full story. People shop online and scroll news feeds while they are on the clock at work and being paid by employers. Those who are prone to procrastination might get lost for hours scrolling and ignore household or child responsibilities.
The digital world can be a vortex of boundary breaches.
I mean, some families will sit at the dinner table on their smartphones talking to everyone else except the people they are sitting with. Parents bring their devices and work on vacations that are meant to be family bonding time. Work expects employers to be on call 24/7 (and there are rarely real emergencies). I think that boundaries are so easily forgotten when it comes to social media but the importance of having them is even greater than most other types of boundaries!
11- Work
America. Home of the brave and free…..more like home of the tired and over-worked. I believe we have created a place where workaholics are prized and praised. This is one of the most difficult boundaries to set, because we live for earning. Earning money, earning recognition, earning safety and security. Don’t get me wrong, we were created to work and it is a gift, but there are so many opportunities and temptations for this to turn ugly.
When the phone dings at 10pm and you were just about to sit down and connect with your spouse….
When the guidelines of your contract clearly state you won’t work while sick, and your boss asks you to come in anyway…
When work becomes more important than anything else in your world out of fear or manipulation…
It is so easy to get caught up in the game of “work is life”, and forget who you are and how you want to show up in the world. Take note of where some of the lines have been blurred when it comes to your work schedule, and integral work boundaries between other employees.
12 -Social
Life is about having fun right?! We need human connection, unwinding, a safe place to show up and allow play into our worlds. But we also need to be able to say no, and have that be honored even if it isn’t understood.
Not every friend will “get it”. Each individual has different ideas of what the word “friendship” means, and it doesn’t always match up between two parties. Know that is more than OK, it is to be expected. All that needs to happen is communicating clearly what you can and can’t offer in the season you are in. Healthy friends will honor the boundaries set in place and thank you for communicating your needs.
“Oh, I thought you said you were going to come to the party tonight….I don’t really get why you can’t just come, it will be a blast and I don’t really want to go without you.”
If you change your mind about a social event, and your friend pressures you and shames you for taking space you know you need, maybe rethink your inner friend circle. Some people are better kept as acquaintances. Get community that gets it!
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I hope these 12 types of boundaries will bring a sense of understanding to an area you felt stuck in. And if you still feel like you just can’t quite get it all right so that you feel free and open, we are here for you! Click below for your free 15 minute consult.