Gaslighting 101 - FAQs to Unpack the Truth About Gaslighting
Gaslighting FAQ for Relationships in NYC & Long Island
Today gaslighting has become the en-vogue term frequently used in place of words and terms like “abuse”, “temper tantrums”, “being a jerk” or “bullying”… but they are not the same as gaslighting.
What makes gaslighting different?
In this blog we will begin to unpack the most frequently asked questions about gaslighting.
After you read all of the Q&As, if you still have questions, please e-mail me at contact@integrativepsych.co. If your inquiry fits with the theme (and is not about a personal or specific circumstances) I will try to add answers to your questions below as soon as possible.
Question:
What is the definition of gaslighting?
Answer:
Gaslighting is the purposeful attempt to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity. Slowly, steady and constantly gaslighting can make you doubt yourself, your competence or your own memories.
Question:
I’m getting tired of everyone using the term gaslighting. Isn’t it getting to be a bit much?
Answer:
Yes, it is talked about a lot. Misuse and overuse of the word “gaslighting” can threaten to compound the discomfort and confusion.
But while some people use the term as a way to pathologize the people around them, we cannot forget that gaslighting can be a very real and painful technique used in domestic abuse (usually in combination with other forms of manipulation and aggression). It’s important not to minimize the experience of people who have been painfully exposed to it. In our efforts to explain it, identify with it on some level and normalize it, we need to hold space in our hearts for those who have been scarred by this “weapon of choice”.
We all react differently to different experiences, and that should never take away the validity of another person’s pain. Because it is overused and misunderstood by so many, we tend to forget that. If you are not comfortable with the term for that reason, try to open up your heart to the idea that some other people really do feel the need to define their experience in order to meaning-make, grieve and eventually heal from it. Many people feel comforted when they can name it.
Question:
Why are so many people confused by the term “gaslighting”? Shouldn’t there be a very clear definition?
Answer:
Gaslighting is nuanced by it’s very nature and therefore confusing.
If someone just acts in a nasty way without trying to hide it, let’s call a spade a spade - they are a behaving like a jerk. But is that gaslighting? It can be but it can easily not be. Gaslighting is usually more subtle. It’s gradual and sneaky. It’s usually what we call “the wolf in lamb's clothes”.
Someone who gaslights wants to appear like the good guy! Meanwhile… they pay you a backhanded compliment that is actually really hurtful or they convince all of your friends to hate you while pretending to be your friend.
Being mean to your face is not usually gaslighting unless there was an intentional buildup of niceness beforehand… you know, so the meanness lands harder.
We all hurt each other sometimes intentionally or unintentionally. That’s not necessarily gaslighting.
Question:
What is an example of something that people call gaslighting but it’s really not?
Answer:
A great litmus test for gaslighting is how someone responds when you call them out on their hurtfulness, calmly, using “I” statements.
“Wow, I feel so uncomfortable with (or hurt by) the way you are talking to me. Can you please say it again a bit nicer?”
This kind of nice response to suspected gaslighting deserves a nice response in turn, right?
Someone who honestly didn’t mean to use gaslighting to manipulate you will most often change their tone when they realize they have hurt you. If they respond with mean spirited comebacks and continue to try and make you doubt yourself, that is a big clue that they are using gaslighting techniques.
Someone can be obnoxious, or they could be mean or they could be a bully… but when someone gaslights, it is done for the very purpose of making you feel like you are, in fact, crazy.
If someone is genuinely pleading with you for answers, or asks for an explanation of why you are shying away or treating them differently, it is easy for you to think they are trying to gaslight you if you have been in an unhealthy relationship dynamic before. But kindness and compassion are usually the best signs that at the very least, they didn’t mean to make you feel bad.
Question:
I don’t use gaslighting… where did my child learn such a cruel relationship pattern from?
Answer:
Naturally, when we sense a threat we react in whatever way comes to us first. We instinctively access the powers to defend and attack back. When our feelings are hurt or jealousy arises or we feel left out, many of us react in ways that are adaptive to our environment. Most often those tactics include variations on gaslighting whether we recognize it or not.
Gaslighting is actually one of the most common evolutionary survival tools. We see it used in a more concentrated way by adolescents and teens, at a time in their lives when the social climate is "eat or be eaten". It can even be considered relatively adaptive at that age, especially for those who have been subject to “mean girl” bullying. But adaptive doesn’t mean it’s nice or that we should not try and teach better ways to survive difficulties on the playground.
Gaslighting is one of many narcissistic tendencies and everyone in the world is born with them.
As we grow older, we (hopefully) become more thoughtful of others, more compassionate and we desire more reciprocal sorts of relationships. Eventually, if all goes well with our psychosocial development, those tendencies become less and less prominent as our deep desire for connection, love and community becomes stronger. As older teens and young adults we (hopefully) learned more mature, compassionate and adaptive tools to connect with people.
Modelling these kind hearted communication skills for your child will help them immensely. We often use methods to try and break “negative” patterns in our children that inadvertently only serve to reinforce them. If you see this tendency in your child, remember to respond in ways that are attuned with where they are at. Seek professional help if needed.
Question:
Where did the term “gaslighting” come from?
Answer:
There was a play in 1938 that was turned into a movie in 1944 called “Gaslight”. It starred Ingrid Bergman whose husband slowly but surely convinces her that she’s crazy by literally manipulating the “gas lights” in their home. It was actually the perfect name and helped us all describe a grouping of unhealthy relationship patterns meant to make people feel like they are crazy, to disorient them and confuse them.
Question:
I just met this person and I already feel like I am being gaslit. Is that possible?
Answer:
Anything is possible, and if you’re feeling like something is not feeling right, trust your gut. You don’t need to define a behavior in order for you to decide that you want to pull away or disengage. Anything behavior that is less than respectful to you is not ok. And if the other person cannot engage in a healthy dialogue or have a back and forth conversation, then listen to that cue, regardless of the term of their behavior or motive. However, back to your question: someone can be engaging in manipulative tactics or subtly making you feel doubtful. These can be signs that the person is beginning to gaslight you or they may be mean spirited (which you’d be wise to stay away from!). Regarding gaslighting, it is most commonly used as a technique that requires a bit of finessing and grooming at first- and that takes some time. You can’t pull the rug out from someone who isn’t standing firmly on the rug.
It’s usually a series of manipulation or distraction tactics that purposefully distort truth and make people question their sanity.
It’s really hard to gaslight someone if you have just met them because it requires an investment of conditioning and a conscious buildup of trust before the big nasty comes out.
Question:
If everyone knows it’s wrong, why do people do it?
Answer:
Gaslighting is usually about control. We all feel the need to be in control somehow, right? When we feel out of control, it’s normal to feel disoriented and unsettled.
People who feel out of control and don’t know healthy ways to gain their control back might tend toward gaslighting. This control can be benign or it can be in the form of emotional abuse, brainwashing or maintaining a strong power differential.
Gaslighting, as a form of abuse, is suave and subtle as the victim slowly starts to trust their abuser more and trust themselves less.
It can range from subtle hints to a major form of domestic abuse and can be as huge and damaging as Hitler manipulating his way into power and then abusing it.
If someone has no power or control over you and they know it, it’s likely not gaslighting. When they can control you they can exploit your weaknesses and manipulate the emotions of those around them.
Question:
Can you inherit “gaslighting” genes?
Answer:
Gaslighting is often learned pattern that can get passed down from generation to generation. Whether it’s genetic or not is not my area of expertise.
What I do know is that many of those who gaslight their partners are exhibiting behavior that was also present in their dysfunctional family home growing up, even families they love and are fond of. That’s because gaslighting isn’t always intended to hurt or bully.
This type of gaslighting is usually at an unconscious level and the gaslighter may not even know that there is anything wrong with the way they are treating the other person. The dynamic can even feel comfortable and familiar to them - until they try to enter into an adult relationship of their own and they can’t understand why their partner is always hurt and angry at each other.
So many parents who love their children end up gaslighting them just because it has been ingrained in their vocabulary. It is often also their own inner voice - and they are prone to gaslighting themselves as much as they gaslight others. Families sit around the table laughing and joking around, and it can even be nostalgic, but those embarrassing laughs unknowingly planted very harmful messages in some of the people around the table. Unintentionally hurtful gaslighting like this is a form of emotional neglect and can seriously harm the stability of a child in ways you might not see until later on in their life.
There is definitely hope for improvement with this type of gaslighter. A bit of psychoeducation can go a long way if they want to work on changing this inner voice.
Question:
Is “gaslighting” always bad?
Answer:
As I mentioned before, gaslighting is a very adaptive survival tool during early development when a child is immersed in a dog-eat-dog kind of environment. Gaslighting can, in fact, be channeled for the good. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out.
In order to effectively gaslight someone, you need to be highly attuned to them.
If you are not attuned to sensitivities, weaknesses, blind spots etc, gaslighting won’t work. The fact that someone is born with the trait to be so attentive to nuance is a great sign that they have so much potential that can be nurtured. They can learn to use their powers for good.
For example, inborn traits like being domineering can be channeled toward empowering leadership. You know those girls who are told they are “bossy” growing up? With the right support, they will be great leaders who inspire people. Without the right support, they will likely feel insecure and therefore will feel the need to control others. Leadership qualities can go both ways, so balance is the best.
An attuned sensitivity (AKA HSP or Empathic Abilities) can be the greatest gift in the world. It can also feel like a burden and curse if left unsupported.
Question:
Is “gaslighting” always pathological?
Answer:
Actually, many people are surprised to hear that gaslighting is rarely pathological.
Like other traits, a healthy balance of power and influence can be a great quality in moderation. It’s when the balance is out of whack that things get sticky. Many people confuse gaslighting and other narcissistic traits with sociopathology or personality disorders. They are right to some extent… When manipulation tactics are intentional, extreme and become pleasurable when they hurt people, almost like a “high”, this is beyond “normal” or “healthy” amounts of narcissism.
Question:
If you can’t see it coming, how can you protect yourself from “gaslighting”?
Answer:
Many wise hearted and brilliant people don’t see it coming... but there are ways to strengthen your self-energy and create a “container” for your strength.
When our self-energy is strong and we are attuned to our deep spiritual core, even if someone tries gaslighting you, it likely won’t impacting you all that much… then hopefully they might try some other, more adaptive way to connect with you. This idea is not intended to blame a potential victim but to empower someone with strength and tools to manage their boundaries, self care and relationship conflicts with more clarity.
The best protection you can have is a strong sense of self. If you don’t have it and you want it, look for psychoeducational materials about boundaries, mindfulness and parts work.
I have quite a few free downloads that can help you strengthen your self-energy core including;
*NEW* Somatic Healing - Boundaries & Containment
Somatic Healing - Intro to “Felt Sense”
Somatic Healing - Getting to Know Your “Parts”
Mindfulness & Meditation - Body Scan
Question:
Can you describe how gaslighting might feel somatically inside your body?
Answer:
But let me try to paint you a picture for you right here with words…
You sense you are lost... but you are right here
You feel cloudy, dazed and confused…
Almost like you have been doused with tear gas from a grenade you did not see coming.
The very purpose of the grenade was to keep you feeling disoriented, so you cannot navigate through life without the guidance of the one who bombed you with it.
You feel like a useless body without them there to help you.
And somewhere in the back of your mind, you are fully aware that you are only vulnerable to threat because they pulled the rug out from under you.
Somehow you feel dependent on them even though you are a highly independent person.
It doesn’t matter that you are a brilliant and intuitive soul...
If someone you trust deeply throws a gaslight grenade at you out of nowhere, it will be a while before you can see straight.
You might even grow to be extremely skeptical of the next “trustworthy” person who comes along, even though cognitively you know that not everyone is manipulative and out to deceive you.
Your new supersonically attuned instincts threaten to betray your reality.
You become this person you don’t recognize, like an untrusting undercover spy who is always vulnerable to threat, even the possibility of betrayal from your closest allay.
Your gut and your mind remain on high alert and suspicious of anyone and everyone.
You keep the possibility of mind games, narcissism and manipulation at the back of your mind, even as you begin new relationships with kind hearted souls because you no longer trust that there are kind hearted souls that actually exist.
You feel the evolutionary need to be on high alert and you see the possibility of danger even if it’s not there.
This is how gaslighting works. It completely derails your ability to trust what's right in front of you, your senses… and the worst part, you have a hard time trusting yourself. After all, you didn’t see it coming last time, what makes you think you will see it this time? So you become guarded and untrusting. Anything that reminds you of the person who betrayed you can trigger your alarm bells, which betrays your reality again. The term fits perfectly.
But, the cycle needn’t continue!
By simply reading about this topic and becoming cognizant, knowledgable and attuned to your own self, you can develop a strong internal compass that helps protect you and guide you.
Yes, healing after relationship wounding and re-learning to trust after being hurt or gaslit, IS possible.
So, dear reader, wherever you are, please know that you are valuable and your experience matters.
If you or a loved one are in a situation that seems or feels confusing, reach out for support! If you’re in New York, our team is here and happy to help!
You are not alone.
For now, please lean on the information and continue to trust your inner “knowing” when navigating all forms of relationships.
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Much love your way,
Xx Esther & The Integrative Team