When Freedom Isn't Really Freedom

When Freedom Isn't Freedom: Agunah and Trauma Survivors

Many people who know me know that I limit the amount of media and news that I ingest. My mind starts buzzing when I consume too much media, so I make sure to set boundaries and notice my body’s cues about what feels like the right amount take take in.

However, lately there are some important topics that I follow closely, most recently the progress being made with Agunot.

Read my blog “What is an Aguah” for details and to learn more about what you can do to help. That blog explains everything about Agunah that you might not understand when reading this blog.

In short, an Agunah is the victim of abuse.

Although it isn’t a light topic, I want to partake in this conversation, as every voice matters when it comes to raising awareness and making a change. This issue about Agunot isn’t a new one, however, the recent #freechava campaign pushed the cause to a whole new level of awareness and change.

Trigger warning: if you do not want to read this and are looking for something uplifting, check out our blogs on Passover; an Intimate Connection or Spring: A time for Connection and Renewal.

Now, if you’re staying to read here we go….

It all started with a concerned and empowered friend...

Chava Sharabani has been an Agunah for over 10 years. Naftali Sharabani, her ex, is living in LA. Dalia Oziel, influencer and singer decided to do something about it to help Chava get her “get” so she can be free to move on with her life. Dalia asked all her followers on social media to share a post about Naftali’s refusal, spurring a revolution. The Lakewood Beth Din was impressed, stating that Oziel succeeded in making a shift that they hadn’t seen in many years. Dahlia revived the focus on something that had been seen as a “dead case”.

Unfortunately thousands of Jewish women around the world are still waiting for their freedom. And although there are safety measures and Jewish laws set to protect these women, no system is not foolproof and can be abused.

While it is a layered topic, I am grateful that this movement is making a change; women in pain are being seen, and and that steps are being taken on a communal level.

I am delighted that this movement keeps growing, making sure our social justice efforts help women avoid this kind of pain in the future. It’s been heartwarming to see women standing up for each other. It’s been comforting to see the men standing up and joining as a strong force in this movement.

It’s been enlightening to see how leaders are taking a strong stance and making waves of change with unwavering strength and persistence.

Now, I don't actually know any of these women personally, however, as a trauma specialist, my mind automatically goes toward empathy for their trauma.

They are all survivors.

Survivors in their struggle and survivors in their triumphs.

Trauma survivors are those who faced a battle; some were silenced by actions, some by mental manipulation, and others by abuse, neglect or coercion.

If you take a moment, I am sure that you, too, know someone who is a survivor in some way. Someone who faced a battle, a struggle, a trauma, or a hurt that was immensely painful. Maybe that person was or is you.

A message for trauma survivors

Trauma survivors are heroes for simply taking a breath when they feel there is no more oxygen to inhale.

So, dear reader, even if you don’t know someone who is an Agunah, I’m sure you know someone who has survived trauma, or has been “unchained.” Someone who had been chained; held captive by a toxic relationship, burdened by their mental health struggle, or controlled physically, mentally or psychologically, by someone, or by an institution. And if this is you, think about yourself, with love.

The unspoken layers of healing trauma

In “The Body Keeps the Score”, Bessel Van Der Kolk talks about his work with those who have survived captivity after they have been released. His book addresses something I want to discuss here.

He talks about how he’s worked with people who are freed after being captured, hurt and abused; and often though they are “free” they have layers of pain and terror that are still present. With time, they slowly shed the “footprint of trauma” and begin living again. Their healing happens with time, support, with loving relationships, EMDR therapy, acupuncture, (and other body based methods of releasing tension) and a whole lot of love.

Unbecoming a captive isn’t a “snap of the finger” process.

When it comes to healing, dear reader, know that you are not alone in your journey. Pain and suffering, neglect and trauma, hurt and animosity, they leave scars. Those scars can and do heal, however, let’s remember that healing is a process. You may notice yourself getting frustrated with yourself, or someone else, who is in the healing process.

Many times, when the body is “out of danger”, the body still sends danger signals.

It takes time for the mind and body to recalibrate and reacquaint with safety and stability instead of fear, panic, dissociation, dread and hyper-vigilance.

Just because you have been “unchained”, does not mean that complete freedom has been achieved. Of course, when you or someone else is taken out of imminent danger, there is a sense of relief. Safety is the first step, and getting out of the danger zone is primary. And, in the case of an Agunah, getting that signed document can be the first step to freedom, however, true freedom unfolds slowly.

Acknowledging the process to acquiring true freedom

Trauma often leaves an imprint on the cellular structure, that impacts gene formation and mind+body symptoms that pop up.This is why many people develop symptoms or struggle emotionally after they get through a rough time, because the body is finally sensing enough safety to finally fall apart and process the pain. This is explained in detail in “Emerging Trauma Memories + 4 Tips to Cope”

I do want to note that not all people develop trauma symptoms after facing a trauma. If you had proper supports and resources in place, and/or you got treatment that validated your experience and helped you feel safe while you processed the event/emotions, you can avoid developing trauma symptoms. When treated properly, we’ve seen many people avoid PTSD or Complex PTSD from developing.

What is true freedom?

True freedom is when the mind and body can both feel truly free.

True freedom is when your mind, body and soul feels unchained.

True freedom is when we can have that deep belly laugh, feeling the joy tingling throughout the cells in your body.

True freedom is when the air around us energizes our spirit and makes us feel lighter.

True freedom is trusting your intuition once again.

True freedom is the ability to discern between green light and red light signs in a relationship.

True freedom is being able to hold onto hope and see possibilities..and begin taking steps towards them.

Freedom isn't a one step process.

As the holiday of Passover approaches, we lean into the celebration of true freedom.

In the spirit of the holiday, let’s collectively make a few commitments:

Become educated about trauma and what it means to have residual effects after trauma, control and/or captivity.

Create space for those healing from trauma in our community; and in our hearts and let your empathy be a factor in their healing process. For a blog on how family and friends can help , read Supporting the Trauma Survivor: Why Family Support Matters.

Commit to Your Own Healing. Identify the things holding you back from your own health and healing. Past memories, undefined boundaries , unhealthy social groups, unfulfilled dreams, staying stuck in a bad marriage, not working on parenting …

Define what freedom means to you: and learn ways for you to access that freedom. Have you been feeling the weight of Covid and gotten stuck in a sedentary lifestyle? Commit to more movement. Commit to taking better care of your mental or physical health. When needed, therapy is a great way to help relieve burdens and weights from your heart, mind and energy.

As you get back to your room you’re sitting in, and breath in the spring air, I invite you to take just one snippet with you as you go about moving ahead with your life- in a little or big way.

Remember, freedom happens in the small steps we take.

Change takes time, but it starts with one step. And then one more.

Sending much peace and joy your way,

Xo

Esther and the Integrative Psych Team