The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It
THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT
When it comes to this time of year, many of us are actually needing that long-awaited break from the hum-drum, or the craziness of day-to-day life, and that is not the reality for many of us this year.
If it makes you feel better, somehow, even when we did go on vacation (remember those pre-COVID days?) it sometimes does’nt end up being the break you desperately needed. You know the saying “I really need a vacation from my vacation?
This year, not only are many of us stuck at home, we are feeling stuck too.
Visions of what 2020 was “supposed to be” have been squashed by the reality of what actually was. And who knows when things will be “normal” again?
I don’t mean to sound glum, but I want to acknowledge how many people are feeling and I hope that if you are reading this AND if you relate, that you will feel some small bit of validation that you are in good company.
So how can we better our situation when for many of us, we have very little power to change it?
I want to tell you that you have way more power than you think.
Let’s establish that “the grass is greener on the other side” is no longer our reality. There is no other side now. So what do we do with our own grass? We water it, we nurture it, we give it all the TLC it needs to be the greenest grass it can be.
How does that work exactly?
I wish I had a straight answer for you.
I wish I had more than just cliches like “the power is inside you - you just have to discover it”... but that is really very accurate. You do have the power to change things. You may not be able to change your exact situation, but you can gain a sense of agency and change a lot of other things inside and out so that your situation is more manageable.
There is a tool I use in my own life to help put things into perspective...
KNOW YOUR WHY
Why do you do ANYTHING?
Have you ever stopped to think about it? Or are you the type that just keeps going and going like the energizer bunny to avoid thinking too much?
To be truly healthy, this is a really important question to ask yourself. There is not always a good answer, but just considering it can really help evaluate what is important to you.
What’s your WHY?
Take time right now (yes, at this very moment - there is no time like the present!) to figure out and / or remind yourself of your WHY.
WHY
Why do I work so hard?...
Why is (________) important to me?...
Why work on connecting better with my partner? ...
Why college?
Why that particular job?...
Why advance in my profession?...
Why celebrate my promotion at work?...
Why make time for loved ones and nurture particular relationships?...
Why Cook and clean? ...
Why work on our patience and tolerance?...
Why accomplish that next task?...
Why get healthy?
If you don't know your why then you might be spending your life spinning wheels. Or as some might say, “walking up the down escalator.”
So, let's talk practically.
As we grow up, we become more and more independent (hopefully) and are tasked with slowly paving out the lives that feel right to us, rather than live the lives that our caregivers lived, or had hoped for us. Hopefully that means building a life that has some direction, some form of meaning, and a sense of VALUE & PURPOSE.
Your values and sense of purpose may not be aligned with your reality.
Carving out your own place in the world is not an easy task - especially if you were raised with many expectations to live or be a specific way.
WHO + WHAT + WHEN + WHERE + WHY = HOW
Using our WHY in combination with the Five W’s will help us discover our values, so we can begin to filter out all of the noise that is keeping us from our much needed R&R.
So let’s get curious...
Many young students use the Five Ws (Sometimes Six Ws) as questions to help guide them in gathering basic information and for problem solving in school. These guidelines are used later in life in most careers including journalism, research, writing, and even in police investigations… Greek Philosopher Aristotle, actually used his own version of these questions to formulate the background of many of his ethical findings.
So let’s be explorers and use the same formula to figure out our own meaning, purpose, and values so we can rest a bit easier this season.
WHO
Who am I expected to be?
Who do I actually want to be?
Who has expectations of me?
Whose expectations do I actually need to care about?
Whose expectations do I actually NOT need to care that much about?
Who are the most important people in my life?
Who trumps who?
Who are the people that care most about me?
Who are my confidants and the people I can trust?
Who are my mentors, the people I look at as living the ideal life I want to live?
WHAT
What really matters in my life?
What are my priorities?
What do I feel should be done but I don’t want to do it?
What expectations do I have for myself?
What expectations do others have of me?
What expectations are realistic?
What expectations are not really realistic?
What are the things I do that I can give up to prioritize other things?
What do I have to do to live my best life and become the best version of myself?
WHEN
When did I start feeling overwhelmed? Was I overwhelmed as a child?
When did my priorities start to shift?
When did I start dropping balls in my life?
When did my parents start to feel overwhelmingly demanding?
When did my partner become so distant?
When did my mother-in-law become so dominating?
When did I start becoming “that” mother?
When did I feel the happiest in my life?
WHERE
Where do I want to end up?
Where did I learn my priorities from?
Where do my feelings of unworthiness stem from?
Where did I learn to place work and money over family?
Where did I learn the most about who I am?
Where did I pick up these bad habits?
Where did I pick up these negative and destructive thought patterns?
Where did I learn to react in this way?
Where is my darn wallet? (just kidding)
Now go back to your WHY list.
Now that you have taken the other Ws into account, has your WHY perspective shifted at all?
Often, when we look into the origins of where our values are stemming from, we realize that what we thought our WHY’s were, are actually quite different than what they truly are and based on someone else’s Ws (or value system).
You will know that it’s YOUR why and not someone else’s WHY when you learn to tune into your intuition. YOUR WHY will FEEL right to you. Your mind, body and soul work together really well when you let them.
So now that we have reviewed all of the other pieces… what is YOUR ultimate why?
What pushes you through the long days? What keeps you going?
Here's what I've gotten from the myriad of people who've taken some time to sit with the question of "WHY".
I’m making choices in my life in order to;
BUILD / GROW _______
CREATE
CARVE OUT MY OWN PLACE IN THE WORLD
GIVE BACK
MAKE A DIFFERENCE
GIVE MY CHILD(ren) A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN
BE HAPPY
So let's tie this all together…
What will usually come between you and your relaxing vacation or your peace of mind is the fact that you care way too much about too many things.
When we start to re-evaluate our priorities based on our OWN WHYs, we force ourselves to narrow down the things we actually care about, while prioritizing the ones we care about the most.
You can do anything but you can’t do everything! - David Allen
For instance, you might think to yourself “I REALLY care about my job. I love what I do. I love the people I work with, It’s really meaningful work… but by working at this job, which takes up my entire life, I never see my family. Not even on weekends. I recognize that I am prioritizing this job over my relationship with my partner and/or children”. Let’s get real. Even if you think otherwise, your family likely views your WHY (meaning your end-game) as the job rather than as a means to support your family.
Ever heard the song “The Cat's in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin? If not, read the lyrics. It will drive home this message.
So let’s say you re-evaluate and decide your WHY is really your nuclear family and your boss is now in second place... then, when you are on vacation (if you are blessed to have one), you will put some HOWs in place that MUST happen.
So based on this example, (You can do this exercise with any WHY - this is just one example) your HOW might look a bit like this:
Prioritize Yourself! (You can’t pour from an empty cup). If you burn out, you will not be able to connect with your family. See my blog posts “Permission Slip” for more info on healthy selfishness, and “Winter Blues: Trying to predict the Unpredictable” for some self-care tips.
Live in the moment! When you are playing on the beach (this year it may have to be virtual, so just imagine you are there) with your kids (and your pina colada) take it all in. Smell the fresh air, listen to the sounds of your child squealing with joy as the waves crash onto the shore, taste the coconut flavor as you down your second pina colada, touch the sand and shells, look around you and all the colors in the trees and the sky. If you are still thinking about your pile of sticky notes at your desk or the calls you have to return when you get back to work, we might have to practice a bit more.
Boundaries! Boundaries will help with the above. If you need to have your phone on, try to designate some time without it. If you need time alone, take it. If your boss can’t handle a few hours without access to you (unless you are a doctor or in another life-saving profession) you might want to re-evaluate your work boundaries. Your time is your time is your time. People without boundaries HATE when people have them. That’s not your problem. When you know your WHY, you must learn to be ok with disappointing people that compromise on your ability to focus on it.