What Therapy Can't Do For You

What Therapy Can’t Do

Darling, I gotta tell you something.

I wish I had the “magic bullet” that can solve every problem you might have. I really do. Between you and I, I have a fairytale princess part of me that wishes I can dig into my stash of powder and make all your boo-boos go away and send you off to the world, blowing you a kiss that makes your heart fell warm and happy.

I’ve come to the crushingly sad reality that there is no magical powder, and if there is, I definitely have not found it (and I’ve yet to meet someone who has, but I’m still looking ;)

Here’s the thing, fantasy is all beautiful, but reality is a lot healthier and happier when we get in touch with what is and isn’t. So here’s my reality check, and I’m sharing it with you.

Therapy isn’t magic, though it can help you make some really amazing shifts, reprogram your brain and allow magical moments to unfold in your life.

And for me, that is pretty exciting. It takes a bit more work, but it gets pretty good shifts and results so it’s worth it- if you’re up for therapy right now.

Now, let me just clear up what therapy can and cannot do so you are clear and aren’t set up for disappointment.

What therapy can’t do for you:

1} Therapy Can’t Change Your Essence 

If someone has been pressuring you to go to therapy because they think you need to “change”, or if you are expecting a loved one to “change” in therapy, you will be pretty disappointed. Besides the fact that nobody can force anyone into any sort of meaningful change without buy-in, therapy can’t fix all your problems and change the essence of who you are.

Therapy can, however, help an “interested person” to shift the way he or she approaches their challenges. Therapy can help support more adaptive interactions with thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It can offer shifts in the way you feel and process your emotions to improve your daily functioning. 

It may seem counterintuitive, but accepting our shortcomings is what allows for shifts to happen, because beating ourselves up just depletes us of the energy needed to embrace what is and to take aligned actions towards change.

Acceptance is needed as a steady bedrock to make change.

In therapy you find strength and resources that you have always had the capacity for. It’s not about changing your essence… It's about peeling away the layers of built-up grief, dysfunction and pain, slowly and methodically revealing your beautiful essence that was there the whole time. 

2} Therapy Can’t Make any Guarantees 

Sorry boo, but this is true. No therapist can (or should) make guarantees about what will or won't happen during your time in treatment. They do create goals with you and work to foster a robust skill set for you, but the process is individual and dynamic. Of course we hold a vision and a realistic expectation of what is possible for you, and work consistently towards those, but it would be unfair to make promises.

Often clients show up with a presenting challenge and as we work together we see that there is way more to their story than they had initially thought.

Change will depend on your own unique skills, your prior internal resources, your readiness and enthusiasm to want change and a bunch of other factors including curiosity and drive.

Obviously we begin the work with a vision and a plan oriented in solid scientific evidence based approaches to healing, and solid sense of your progress capacities, but since this process is unfolding, we can’t make guarantees.

3} Therapy Doesn’t Take Away Pain 

I truly truly wish it did, though!

As therapists, we do our best to help you create positive change, but we don't have a magical cure that will make all the pain and hurtful circumstances go away. In fact, the more we fight the pain, the longer it sticks around.

Pain is a part of the human experience and that nobody is immune to it. 

Our goal in therapy is to help our clients untangle the confusion, figure out how to allow the body to become a calmer receptacle to the pain so that we can “feel, deal and heal” more effectively. 

We learn to identify ways in which we previously fought to take away the pain and start to notice that we ended up creating even more pain in the process. We learn to stop standing in the way of our own healing

4} Therapy Timeframe Depends on Your Treatment Goals

Goals take time to identify, plan for and practice. Early on, you should start to notice the small yet significant shifts… but these are stepping stones towards a bigger goal. 

Of course, you will be collaborating with your therapist to make sure that treatment progress is being made and you should feel a shift in your mindset, your ability to access your internal resources and skills. However, some goals take a bit longer and some, shorter.

If you need some quicker tips to help you deal with your mother in law over a family weekend, you can do that in a number of sessions. However, if you have trauma, insecurity or body dysmorphia that’s related to longstanding anxiety and shame, it will take a bit longer to help you make shifts that last (we don’t want you leaving feeling good just for a day or two, good work helps create longer lasting change).

5}Why Your Therapist Can’t Be Your Friend 

It’s completely normal to feel close to your therapist, especially if he or she is the person with whom you share all your deepest darkest secrets, your laughter, your hopes and dreams. There is a unique level of emotional honesty and intensity in that dynamic. Not only that, it’s that very dynamic that helps you heal and grow into the best version of yourself.  A bedrock of trust and connection is integral to a successful therapeutic relationship.

With that being said, no matter how close you feel to your therapist, he or she will not be your friend because then the focus would shift from your goals to a different dynamic and you wouldn’t get the individual attention you are needing from the time and relationship.

6} Therapy Can’t Change the Past

Therapy can't take you back in time and change what happened in the past. It can’t make you forget. It can’t bring you back to a time that you needed someone who wasn’t there for you as a child.

But a good therapist can help you explore new narratives about these past experiences (the way you relate to the stories you tell yourself about your past). You can learn to identify the the beliefs that you carry , to accept the ones that help and shift the ones that wear you down, learn new tools to better functioning and to stop engaging in life or relationship patterns that cause you distress.

Good healing does not make the difficult marriage, the painful childhood or the emotional neglect disappear, but it will help your mind and body dial down the pain, excess panic, fear or discomfort. You will learn to navigate the inevitable stresses of life and also process the recurring issues so you clear up some of the triggers so the stress softens.

7} Therapy Can’t Give You a “Personality Lift”

It’s not like plastic surgery. Therapy is not as simple as a quick lift, nip and tuck and then everything is all better in 6-8 weeks. 

What therapy can do is facilitate an extreme makeover of your mindset. 

Your personality won’t change, neither should you ever want to change your glorious unique personality. However, the parts of you that you want to shift such as highly anxious parts, insecure, or deeply sad parts can shift. In therapy, you get to revisit beliefs you hold about yourself, your worthiness, and set standards for the way you will allow yourself to be treated at work, in love, and in other important relationships. 

Now, if you’re ready to roll your sleeves up and do the work towards steady, slow, yet meaningful change, that’s wonderful.

The glorious moments of healing I’ve been privy to, and what I want you to know

Remember, just because therapy isn’t magical, it does not mean it isn’t effective. I’ve had the humbling experience of seeing beautiful shifts, people find love, families re-bond and people set boundaries in a way that allowed true love, connection and inner ease in a way that wasn’t possible before.

I’ve seen many work past blockages and access goals that were previously out of reach, and I’ve seen symptoms of PTSd reduce, and for some, diminish completely. I’ve seen courageous individuals build support networks of good friendships and make some hard but important relationships and life choices.

You can make shifts.

Take a breath and take the next best step for you. And if you’re in New York, our staff is ready with warm open hearts ready to support you on your healing journey.

Whenever you are on your journey today, I am here sending much gentle care your way.

xx

Esther and the Integrative Team